When Mother's Day Brings Sadness:
Tips To Help You Survive the Day

On Sunday, May 13, 2007 we will celebrate the day that honors all mothers.  Although many nations celebrate their own versions of Mother's Day throughout the year, in the U.S. it is always the second Sunday in May.  The first national Mother's Day was proclaimed by President Woodrow Wilson in 1914 to honor those mothers who had lost their sons in the war.  Today, it is a reason to give flowers, gifts, and a night out of the kitchen to our beloved moms..

On Mother's Day, our thoughts naturally turn to all the wonderful and loving things our mothers have done for us throughout the years.  We think of the sacrifices they made to feed us, clothe us, and educate us.  We think of the unconditional love that they showed us when we were being bratty little kids and the patience and worry they had for us when we were rebellious teenagers.  During our growing up years we knew we were loved.

But what if we didn't feel the love because our mothers were emotionally or physically unavailable.  If we had cold or distant mothers we might feel resentful of a day spent remembering the reason for a painful childhood.  If our mothers died when we were young we might feel grief over missed celebrations and happy memories.  In either case, now that we are adults, we have the chance to heal this unhappiness and make new memories.  Here are a few ideas that might help:

• It would be very rare if you didn't have any happy memories of your mother.  Try to think of some good times that you shared.  You may have to dig deep into your memory or you might have to ask other relatives but there should be at least a few memories that you can hold onto when the negative feelings overwhelm you.  Take the time to uncover these gems and feel the happiness and joyful moments for they are precious.
  
  
• Remember "it doesn't matter where we get our family as long as we get it!" We are born into our families but we can choose the families that we make happy memories with.  Whether you create your own family with a spouse and children or you create a family of close friends these are often the ties that will bind you tighter than your family of origin ever will.  Treasure these ties like the sweet blossoming flowers they are!
  
  
• Consider if it would be in your best interests to reach out to your mother on Mother's Day and try to heal the rift between the two of you.  Only you can decide if it is worth it or not.  You might ask yourself some powerful questions like:
  
  
• Why do I want to heal this rift with my mother?
• What would be the benefits of mending the fence?
• How would my life be changed if we became closer?
• Ideally, how would I love my relationship with my mother to be like?
• Do I want to do this for myself or am I feeling pressured by someone else to bury the hatchet?
• What kind of outcome do I expect to get if I reach out?
• What would happen if I get rejected again?
• Am I prepared for any response she might have?
• How will I sabotage this opportunity to heal?

• If it is appropriate, and you really want to, forgive your mother for her past behavior and actions.  For more tips on forgiving check out the article I wrote for Easter on forgiveness by going to www.greenmountainlifefcoach.com  
  
  
• If it is impossible for you to celebrate Mother's Day with your own mother, honor someone else's.  It could be a relative, friend, elder, teacher, or any other role model.  Who says that you have to celebrate Mother's Day with your own mother?  The person that you choose will undoubtedly be touched by your gesture.  Do it if it feels right to you!
  
  
• If the thought of Mother's Day fills you with grief, remember to pamper yourself.  Treat yourself to the little luxuries of life like a cup of hot tea, a warm bath, reading a good book, lighting candles, or buying yourself some beautiful flowers.  Take extraordinary care of yourself during this time that you are feeling vulnerable and raw. Vulnerable is good because it is a place where your true feelings live. Share those feelings with someone you can trust and who will listen. Don't hide them away.  Let someone be with you and share in your sadness and grief.  It is a gift from you to them.
  
  
• For the person who has already lost his or her mother, you can still honor your mom by spending time with those who knew her, looking through photo albums and telling stories, or visiting her grave. Better yet be mindful of her and celebrate and honor who you are in her memory. The point to these kinds of activities is to make yourself feel better in the face of your loss and sadness. Feeling better is good for you.
  
  
• Holidays can be painful with feelings of grief welling up as if they were fresh wounds.  It doesn't matter how much time has passed, a death creates a void in one's life and that person is forever changed.  Remember to treat yourself tenderly when these feelings come up.  They are natural and you have every right to feel them.  Surround yourself with loving, understanding people who can help you ride the waves of sadness.  You will emerge from the other side.
  
  
• Remember, like any other special day, Mother's Day only comes once a year and by the next day it will be over.  If you have to hide in bed with the covers over your head, do so.  You have every right to but you might feel better getting up and going out. It is your choice.
  
  
• If you are a mother yourself, feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed, intentionally try to HALT.  Try not to get yourself too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely, or too Tired. If you HALT and quiet your mind, your stress will loosen and your energy will swell leaving you ready to celebrate the wonderful mother and woman you are.
  
  
• If you are not a mom, think again. Your very presence impacts children of all ages in your community and family.  Celebrate the motherly spirit you shine for others.
  
  
• If you feel that you would like to change how you feel about Mother's Day, consider getting a coach.  Your coach will help you examine your thoughts, beliefs, habits, and patterns and help you change the ones that aren't serving you anymore.  She will also help you create an action plan for achieving your goals, keep you accountable to what's important for you, and to celebrate your successes every step of the way.

So as Mother's Day looms near, take time to reflect on what the day means to you.  Whether you have a loving, respectful relationship with your mom or not, it is still a day to honor both of you.  Make the most of the day in whatever way serves you best.  It's a motherly thing to do and you deserve it!

Happy Mother's Day!

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