Forgiveness: A Gift You Give to Yourself

For those of us who celebrate the birth and death of Jesus Christ, this is a very significant time of the year. Easter is the most important religious holiday to Christians around the world. In a few days, on Good Friday, we will reflect on the day that Jesus died for our sins. Then we will celebrate his rebirth on Easter Sunday thus giving us hope of everlasting life after death.

The underlying theme around Easter is not about candy or chocolate or the Easter bunny. It is not about death or sorrow either. It's about rebirth, second chances, and forgiveness. Jesus forgave those who betrayed him.

But how do you forgive someone who has betrayed you, lied to you, or cheated on you? When you've been stabbed in the back by a trusted friend, how do you turn the other cheek? When you've been abused and mistreated, how can you learn to forgive your abuser? It's not easy but it can be done. Here are some tips that might help you on the path to forgiveness:

• Determine if you really want to forgive. As Dr. Phil says “you can't change what you don't acknowledge.” Making the decision to forgive is often the most important step because it will lead you to making a commitment to forgive. That gives you a starting point.
  
  
• If you are unsure if you want to forgive the other person ask yourself some powerful questions and reflect on the answers. Some powerful questions are:
  
  

  - Do I really want to forgive this person?
  - What will be the benefits of forgiving this person?
  - How will my life change when I forgive this person?
  - If I don't forgive this person how will my life be affected?
  - Am I doing this for someone else or because I'm expected to?
  

• Take the time to make a conscious decision whether to forgive or not. There is no deadline to forgiveness. It doesn't matter whether it takes six months, six years, or sixty years. You are making this decision for yourself and not the other person. Take that person out of the equation. Focus on yourself and your wants and needs.
  
  
• Remember that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself and not to the other person. You were the one affected by the betrayal, offense, or abuse. If it feels right to you to forgive, do it.
  
  
• Remember to forgive yourself for your part in the betrayal if there is any. Betrayal between adults is very rarely one-sided (I am NOT referring to issues of child abuse or molestation where an adult preys on a child. That child carries no responsibility for the actions of the adult because he or she cannot give consent and is, therefore, the VICTIM of the abuser.) Be gentle with yourself. Try to think of the betrayal as a learning opportunity for the future.
  
  
• Take good care of yourself during this time. Learning to forgive is often very stressful. All of these emotions seem to come out of nowhere and often overwhelm us. Remember to do things that bring you pleasure like a cup of hot tea, reading a good book, lighting fragrant candles, or buying fresh flowers. You are doing beautiful, important work here. Treat yourself well so that you have the energy to do the work!
  
  
• Remind yourself that it is OK to take a break from forgiveness work. You don't have to do it all in one day. In fact, it probably won't happen in one day (unless it was a very minor transgression). If you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and treating yourself isn't working like it should, take a break. The work will still be there when you are feeling more energized. In fact, trying to push yourself through negative emotions could be more harmful in the long run since it would take you longer to forgive than just letting go briefly to rejuvenate yourself.
  
  
• Write a letter to the other person and describe how his or her actions have affected your life. Get it all out on paper. Describe your thoughts, feelings, emotions. Take as long as you need to do this. This is purging your emotions in a very healthy way. When you have finished your letter you have several choices you can make. You could give the letter to the other person. You could decide not to give the letter and keep it. You could destroy the letter in a ritual by burning it, shredding it, or burying it. Whatever you decide to do with the letter, it is bound to make you feel better for having written it.
  
  
• If you are struggling with forgiveness, check out some resources on the Internet or in the bookstore or library. There are wonderful books that have been written in both the spiritual/religious and the secular veins. You are bound to find a few that will help. The same thing goes with the Internet. There are some great websites out there and there are also message board and forums where you can connect with other people who are struggling with the same issues (for example, cheating spouses).
  
  
• One thing that can really help during this time is journalling. Like writing a letter to the betrayer, journalling helps to get your feelings and emotions out of your mind and onto paper. Just let your thoughts flow freely onto the paper without editing them. You don't have to show this to anyone so you can say whatever you need to to make yourself feel better. Another benefit to journalling is that you can go back at a later point and see how far you've come on your journey to forgiveness. You have a written record of all the hard work you've done. And it is HARD work!
  
  
• If you are struggling with issues of forgiveness, consider seeking professional help. A trained professional can help you put some perspective into the situation. If you are really ready to move forward with forgiveness, a life coach can help you examine your habits and patterns and decide which ones you want to change. She will also help you create a plan of action for achieving your goal of forgiveness.

If the person who has hurt you has died you may be thinking that it would do no good to forgive that person but that's not so. Remember when I said forgiveness is a gift to yourself. It is! It has NOTHING to do with the other person and everything to do with yourself. You have the choice whether to forgive or not. No one can make that choice for you. It is YOUR energy that is being expended by holding onto resentment, anger, and hurt and only you can determine if the benefits of that are worth the costs. Don't you deserve to have peace in your life? I think you do!

Have a blessed Easter!

Back to Article Directory

Please call me at 802 229-5256 or e-mail me at jo@greenmountainlifecoach.com for a free conditional consultation and experience coaching first hand and find out whether we are a match for each other.